My Emotional Rollercoaster.

Overwhelmed, Frustrated, Angry, Hurt, Upset And Always Emotional.

A quick job of making the bed
A quick job of making the bed

Today started off like so many other days when Danny is off and we have doctor’s appointments. Danny’s alarm went off about an hour before we NEEDED to get up. Then he did the “SNOOZE” thing for the next hour.
I will never understand “SNOOZE”.
I am not a morning person. I hate it. I seldom feel good.
Yet, when we have to get UP, I get up almost right away.
I do not want or need a “SNOOZE” button.
Unlike Danny,
So I got up soon after the alarm went off.
I didn’t want to lay there getting irritated.

We had a good drive to the doctor’s offices. They are right NEXT to each other.
Back to back appointments.
In and out took awhile but we did it.
Everything went well.
Normal stuff. All routine.

Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting for the doctor
Waiting for the doctor
Danny waiting for the doctor.
Danny waiting for the doctor.

On our way to eat. Danny took the back way through Davenport. A small town near where his old house was. He wanted to show me something NEW to both of us.

Recently , Davenport tore down their old watertower.  The company that tore it down gave this to the city. Parts from the original water tower.
Recently , Davenport tore down their old watertower.
The company that tore it down gave this to the city. Parts from the original water tower.

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SAMSUNG

We had a good time here. Unexpected on my end. Danny wasn’t in a hurry. I was able to take pictures and I did.
More to come later.
We kissed.

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Then Danny said we were going to ALL STAR’S.
My mood dropped.
One of the things I look forward to when we go to the doctor’s is :
we don’t go to ALL STAR BAR AND GRILL.
Don’t get me wrong. The food is great there. We are weekly or every other week regulars.
We usually sit at the same place AT THE BAR.
I drink ice tea most of the time.
Walmart is right across the street.
It is still a BAR. WE SIT AT THE BAR. I get tired of it.
Danny doesn’t always drink…he just likes sitting there. I don’t mind it.
Sometimes.

We don’t shop ANYWHERE but Walmart. WHY?
I really don’t know except that it is the closest to our house . We can get Everything there at one trip.
YET, Danny hates it.

So we weren’t suppose to go to All Stars because we didn’t need to go to Walmart.
So where did we end up?
All Stars.
I did good.
I kept my mouth shut (for the most part).
We weren’t there long.
The ride home was good.
We had a nice few hours.
Then WHAM!

I didn't WALK away. I exploded.
I didn’t WALK away. I exploded.
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I just need something to sharpen it with. I can sharpen it. I have before. Many times.

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I asked Danny to get something for me to sharpen my clippers.
Clippers isn’t the right word but it’s one of those times I can’t think of the right word.
I never asked him to sharpen it. All I did was ask him to get a sharpener…Again, there is a better word but I forgot was it was.
I won’t go into it but Danny Blew Up.
It’s been a long time since we have had an argument like this.
I really meant to walk away even though it angers Danny. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to YELL.
I never made it.
He said something and I blew up. Then I walked off. Crying.
The sitting down on the floor in the master bathroom SOBBING.
And SOBBING.
It didn’t end there.
We got past it. Danny acting as if it never happened . My walking around not saying much of anything.
He went to bed and is sound asleep.
I am awake, going over and over it.

Danny won’t say another word about the argument. He won’t ever say he is sorry. He isn’t.
I can’t say it this time. It would cause more negative things to be said.
So I need to just let it go.

This has just been a rather rough week.
Both of us are worn out from the heat.
I am always hot…even inside.

Tim and the girls
Tim and the girls. Leah and Lillian. 

10919014_1457347234576691_3430445242146158355_n 10156139_1457347304576684_7143781393412946739_nMy nieces birthday was Monday (yesterday).

I talked to her and the kids. We messaged on Facebook.
All good. Except , I miss my family. We live so far away from everyone.
I miss Bobby, whose birthday is July 17 and he won’t be here once again.
I am doing ok there. Really. Outside. I wear my mask well.

I talked to my dad.
Now that was hard.
He is staying with my sister for the summer ……Health issues.
My parents got old the last few years.
Now Mom is gone.
Dad’s aged 10 years since then.

I am STUCK in Florida.
Everyone I love is in Illinois.

Or in Heaven.

I am still doing good.
Over all.
Outside where everyone can see it.
Only thing is:
No one sees what is inside :
Not  even Danny…..

I don’t see anyone else here except occasionally…….
I am working on the blog and other media sites.
No one even knows this :
Except for those of you HERE ON THE Blog.

Danny has no idea.
I have mentioned the blog: In passing.
He has never asked.

He shares everything about work.
Over and over again.

We don’t really share what is going on in
MY NECK OF THE WOODS.
In Sarah’s Attic Of Treasures.

He has heard me mention Sarah’s Attic.
He knows I post about the park.
He has never asked me anything about it.

I have over 10, 00 fans on FACEBOOK Sarah’s Attic of Treasures.

I have had them for 2 years now.

I must have done something RIGHT.

We use to share so much more.

We still talk for hours, Yet, he never asks what I do all day when I am not working.

No one around here knows.

No one knows
except for YOU.

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1998 My family
1998 My family

I miss my old life.
I am trying so hard to improve things now…..In the present.
I want a future with Danny .
I want us.
I also want and need to be happy. To be understood.
To be loved.
I am loved.
Danny loves me.
Oh he loves me.
I have no doubt of that.
I love him.

Still:

Ending here.
I wrote more than what I intended to.
More than what I probably should.
Yet, Someone NEEDS to know.

Sarah

8 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m finding that sometimes our online friends are more receptive than our “real” friends. We seem to be more understanding and caring. I hope things are better now.

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    1. Starting this blog is helping. I was on a different account on Facebook for years……still on it just not posting or visiting as much…..It was mainly for Angel Mom’s and Dad’s. It was what I needed at the time and help get me through some pretty rough times. I made a lot of good friends there. Most of them though can’t talk about anything else though and I just couldn’t take the constant “grieving”. Every fay there was always MORE kids who died and more grieving people. I started going backwards into the “Dark hole” of grief.
      I miss a lot of them. I check in from time to time.
      I just needed to connect with other people.
      You and I are able to connect on so many levels. Hopefully we will laugh and cry and exchange all sorts of stories. Good, Bad and EVERYTHING in between. I have a feeling we can talk about a lot of things as 2 women.
      We share a desire to learn….Hence Blogging classes…
      I can talk to you about Sarah’s Attic Of Treasures. About my life here. I can also let you see the “Real Me” that was lost along the way.
      Does this make any sense?
      I have old friends from high school who I still talk to. But it is different now.
      Few people I Know here in Florida have any clue as to who I really am. I am a mom without her child here on earth.

      Yes, Things are getting better.
      Cathy, HUGS

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with you that even though we will never get over losing our child (and parent as I lost my father 20 years ago) we can’t dwell on our loss. It only hurts us. I don’t know if you read my blog on the Laws Of Attraction but I know using them would help you. Heres the blog http://cathylynnbrooks.com/2015/07/31/do-you-use-the-laws-of-attraction/

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        1. I will check it out. Thank you.
          How are you today? I am just now getting on here since 6 AM this morning. Talk to you soon.

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  2. So glad you got that out. I heard every word, even the ones you didn’t say. I pray you find relief in sharing and that two-way communication be restored btw you and Danny.

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    1. Thanks Vanessa,
      Thank you so much for your comment here. That post and others like it are why, when, the talk about BRANDING our Blogs came out in Blogging 201 this week, I realized what I had been doing to Sarah’s Attic Of Treasures. I was putting way too much of MY Life into what is suppose to be a Blog to make one smile.
      Still glad I wrote it because It made me feel better. Seeing your comment right now made it worth PUBLISHING it.
      It is the things I didn’t say that are tearing US apart. Me apart.
      So thank you. I Am saving this in my email so I can look you up soon.
      Thank you again and have a wonderful rest of the weekend.
      Sarah

      Like

  3. shyutgal says:

    And we’re listening. I hope for you and Danny, hope that things do turn a corner and you find that place where things make more sense and there isn’t the sense of abandonment because he never mentions things like arguments and can just lie down and go to sleep after one. It reminds me of the last years of my marriage before hubby died. We had a similar relationship. And I’m probably projecting onto you, but thanks for sharing your viewpoint anyway. We ARE listening.

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    1. Sorry, It took so long to write this. I saw your comment when it first came in and my eyes teared up. Danny was home and I didn’t want him to see me cry.
      I haven’t had a chance to visit you tonight but I will ASAP.
      Don’t ever worry about projecting anything onto me. I always want to hear what someone wants to say. If it is important to you then it is important to me.
      I am sorry your hubby isn’t with us any more. Also sorry the last years of marriage weren’t better.
      If you ever want to talk….I am a good listener…..
      Except maybe with Danny lately…..Sad to say that.
      There is just so much going on where we live and work and it has made our life a “Living “H” at times. I get tired of it all. There is really no reason it should be happening.
      I am rambling…As I always seem to do….
      Thank you for messaging me. HUGS Sarah

      Liked by 1 person

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