Writing 101 – Why I Write – Saturday, September 19, 2015

I don’t usually post this kind of quote.
Today though, it was the ONLY one that came close to  how I feel today and what I was writing in my journal and elsewhere privately.
Why I Write
Today, I was writing, frantically at times, in my journal, how Danny had hurt me last night.
We were having a nice relaxing evening. I was in the kitchen working on Danny’s lunch  for today. We’d been talking about the park. What else.
He was suppose to have been off this weekend.
I made a comment about  someone owing him a favor. A female staff member.
What he said was an insult to me as his wife and an insult to her as a co-worker.
It was the type of LOCKER ROOM talk most men OUTGROW at some point. Usually in their 20’s.
It should never be said to someone you care about.
Someone you love.
It was not appropriate to say to anyone.
It was intentional.

I write today so I don’t say anything I might regret. So I don’t walk out the door.

18 Comments Add yours

  1. Lady CAS says:

    I am so sorry you had to endure that! I have had to deal with many of the same issues with that with my husband some days! Men think differently and ‘forget’ or lash out without thinking about others feelings and then come back to us as if the issue has blown over or never happened just because they have gotten over it. It upsets me more than anything. They don’t apologize just merely move past it themselves and assume that is enough! You were really sincere here and did what was best to keep your marriage alive and well. I admire you for that! You are quite a beautiful person for that!

    1. Chris, Danny didn’t forget. He meant to say it.
      He just doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what he said.
      He won’t ever act on it. He doesn’t really want to.
      He knew what he said would hurt me.
      He just thinks I shouldn’t let those kind of comments bother me.
      What hurts the most is…Knowing that Locker Room talk about females BOTHERS the HELL out of me is WHY HE SHOULDN’T SAY IT.
      It is not as if I want to feel this way.
      I wish I could just let it go.
      I have tried for 10 years.
      This comment was about the worse. Especially since it had to due with a female he works with. How am I supposed to forget it.
      I am not jealous . There is no reason to be.
      I deserve better.
      You are right though. They DO FORGET IT. In their eyes it never happened.
      This will take Months for me to get past….If I can.

      It is one of those things you can’t forget.
      I could forgive him IF he was SORRY.
      Or IF HE had said he was sorry.

      I don’t hold grudges. I never use to get MAD like this.
      I am MAD.
      I can sit and talk with him like we usually do. It took a couple of days before I could be around him.
      I was there but not there.
      He could talk to me and I would answer….
      I was frozen.
      Last night we had a good night.
      Yet, It is always there between us now.
      I keep expecting something else.

      I can’t stop Rambling when I think about this subject.
      It is not going away.
      I pray and Pray.

      1. Lady CAS says:

        It will take time! Everything does. Unfortunately those whom we love the most know how to hurt us the most. They know how to push our buttons and hitting below the belt is not right or nice. We have to decide to either get over it and move on if they actually never do it again or we have to finally say this hurt and I really need closure. Because for some reason to this day it is still hurting me and I know it may sound silly to you but you do not get to decide what hurts and does not and how insignificant it is. Again as my great grandmother always told me…You have to pick your battles. If it is worth it to you (ie your possible marriage…then go for it)! If not then sit and fester and this is what sadly you are doing rotting from the inside out and that is about the same thing and that’s not good either. You do not want to end up hollow when you could be so much happier if some sort of progression happened regardless of what that was.

        1. I won’t let myself end up “Hollow”
          I can shrug it off now at long as I don’t think about it.
          I have too much going on here to really dwell on it for long.

          I am picking a battle….
          We start counseling again on Tuesday afternoon.
          Danny KNOWS I will leave if we don’t get help. We were going last year when his drinking got out of control. He isn’t drinking nearly as much. Things are better overall.
          Danny is scared I will leave him. I see it in his eyes.
          It will work out.

          1. Lady CAS says:

            I’m glad you are wiling to work on it and I’m glad you set your boundaries! Good Girl!

            1. Chris, I had to set them. For MY SAKE.

              1. Lady CAS says:

                Usually that is why we do! I have been there too!

  2. Krista Kemp says:

    Sometimes men are insensitive idiots, and never seem to realize what they have until it’s gone. The only reason my husband and I have such a great relationship is because I left him (years ago). Now he does everything in his power to ensure that never happens again. He knows what life is like without me! Be strong sister…this too shall pass with time. I’m always here if you need me!
    BTW, I started putting together the verbiage for the Man Hater’s club. Hoping to have it ready by the weekend. Have a great night!😀

    1. I didn’t realize that your hubby now was the same one . I thought you had remarried.
      I am so glad things worked out for both of you.
      Danny is MISSING a few important qualities. Qualities isn’t the right word…..He is missing a huge part of what a person should be…
      He Really THINKS differently that anyone I know of. Our counselor said it as well.
      So have a number of his friends from the past. Girlfrinds that never lasted. Friends he has worked with.
      They all warned me that Danny is one of the nicest guys they know of at work but he will not give himself to anyone.
      I am the only one who he has ever let in.
      They are amazed the few times we connect that I am still here and over all we do really good. It’s just his lack of sensitivity and what is right and wrong is not always clear.

      I really can’t explain it.
      Krista, If you met Danny, without knowing anything about him from me….you would like him. If you saw us together…working together or having fun here or even out shopping you would think we are the happiness couple. We have that much fun together.
      Till his smart ass high school talk about sex comes out. And kills me.
      I am really ready for the Man Hater’s Club.
      I am not sure I like the name though because I don’t hate any of them.
      Except for one person.
      It will be totally private. Right?

  3. I admired the sincerity of this post. And as a woman, I know how this feels. Keep the strength!

    1. I am trying to. The anger has worn down..The numbness has not.
      Danny put it out of his mind that same night. I can’t. It is not something I will ever forget.

      1. Just focus on your faith. Some people can ba a little too insensitive. Stay strong!

        1. I do. Thank you. And Yes they can be. HUGS

  4. Krista Kemp says:

    I am SO sorry! I know the shoes that you are in! I’m contemplating starting a Man Haters group. I think it would be a great place for women to vent.

    1. Please start it. Krista…It was one comment. But that comment will NEVER ever go away.
      Just when things were going better.
      We were having a good quiet night.
      He watched my joy go to ANGER then to tears in under a minutes. I couldn’t get out of the kitchen enough.
      I am HURT to the BONE.

    2. I really dislike him right now.
      I am COLD. He knows it.
      Cold as in MAD Leave me the hell alone cold.
      I have done everything I need to do today. I will answer him calmly but that is it.
      He doesn’t think he said anything wrong.
      It is wrong first off if you knowingly HURT the person you are suppose to love.
      It was wrong ANYWAY you look at it. Not an opinion, A fact.
      My son would have beaten the Hell out of him for saying what he did.
      My dad would as well.
      I think most men would.

      1. Krista Kemp says:

        I’ll let you know when I have the group up and running. Been planning it since 2001. My ex husband was horrible. So many nights I spent crying. He teased me, he beat me, he ridiculed me, he talked down to me. After awhile, your natural defense mechanism kicks into high gear, and in order to protect yourself you throw up the wall. I have been called a cold hearted bitch on more than one occasion, and I am one of the most loving and compassionate people you will ever run across! But sometimes, you have to distance and protect yourself! I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I do understand! Words hurt, and slice through you like a scalding knife. Words said can never be unsaid. They lead to resentment, and eventually turn into pure hatred. I’m always here if you need to talk. Email me if you need to, I know that would offer a bit more privacy. Stay strong sister…there are a TON of people in this world in your corner! Love you girl!

        1. Krista,
          Thank you for this. I am still numb from it. It was a few short words, not even a sentence.
          I am not quite ready to talk about it any further.
          If it starts back up again I won’t have any choice but to leave. Just so you know: there is not hitting or anything like that. It also does happen very often.
          Somehow he understands that hitting is wrong .
          He even told our counselor that I should let some things bother me. Things he says about other females.
          Our counselor and his wife both told him it was inappropriate behavior . It was teenage -young 20’s type of talk that he should have grown out of.
          It should never ever be said to another female , especially one he cared about. Certainly not if it hurt her.
          They had a long talk about it.
          He said it doesn’t mean anything.
          You know what: Yes it does…
          In more ways than one.
          I love you also.

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