Fighting My Way Back

Love Me Challenge
1. Why are You doing #Loveme?

I am doing this challenge for a couple of reasons that have nothing to do with the  #Love Me itself. I mentioned in the previous post that I was needy to be challenged for long period. I need to be motivated, not just to post what I want to post daily but to have a schedule of things I post at certain times. 28 Day /Monthly type challenges are daily post with different subject matter. I don’t choose what the subject is.

This challenge will force to to think a little more. I am taking it seriously. Many of the daily challenges normally would be easy for me. As I was reading them the first time ( a few months ago) I saw different ways of looking at them.
I will have to to write everyday about a variety of events/tasks that I didn’t choose.
This particular one is already causing me trouble because the words aren’t wanting to come.

I am writing this Wednesday night. (11:34 right now). It is not what I want to do now. I would have liked to have held off with it.

I am motivated to get it done because I said I would. I always TRY and keep my promises.

As to why I am doing #Love Me”, I haven’t really been taking care of “Me’ the last few years.
Years ago, If you would have asked me to take a challenge like this I would have said, “No , because “I loved myself.” I really enjoyed the person I was. I was confident. I knew who I was and what I was.
A Mom. A Teacher. Daughter.  Sister. Aunt.  Friend. And so on…..I was comfortable. I knew exactly WHO I WAS. I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to anyone.

I still love who I am. I still enjoy my own company.
I am still Bobby’s mom even though he isn’t here. I deal with that.

My dad is still alive so I am still a daughter. I am still all of those things.
I am still a daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I will always be a teacher even if I don’t get paid for it.

I am a wife but the ground rules changed. I let them change. I lost my identity.
Danny didn’t do it to me. I did.
I stopped putting my needs and wants in the equation whether it was at work (Meaning At the park) or at home. Whatever everyone else wanted , I said ok.
This is really hard for me because I can’t find the words I want to say.
I am 56 years old and instead of feeling Strong and Confident, I  feel Week and Wimpy. ”
I am not a WIMP. I am not WEAK. I am certainly not a CHILD.

Certain things that I can’t discuss (part stuff) have happened and somehow I got caught in the middle of. (Danny to.)
I never fought back. We are all to worry about losing jobs and not talking bad about anyone. Not causing trouble.
Don’t do this and don’t say that….
Danny has a little more leeway because he is A PAID employee. He can stand up a little more.
I am a volunteer.
You know what? That shouldn’t make a difference.
I live here. Danny and I have lived on state property for almost 9 years.
I have volunteered as much as they work. Which means I WORKED AS HARD AS THEY HAVE.
Yet, I have always had to bite my tongue and say nothing way too many times.
I have let them run over me.
Or I was.
Then I just slowed way down on the volunteering. If they couldn’t treat me with the respect I deserved then I shouldn’t be helping them as much as I was.

(This of course was before I got really sick this last year.)

I blamed Danny for a lot  of it. Yet, when it really got bad, I kept quiet but he didn’t. He let them know that it wasn’t right treating me like I was being treated.

So he told them I wasn’t volunteering at all any more.
That’s where part of our problem started.
My volunteering WAS NOT HIS DECISION TO MAKE.
It was a decision that should have been made together. I should have had a say in it.
He “Took away” the only thing HERE that made me feel like I was contributing .
I get very little disability. I get very little income at all.
All of what I do get a month goes into my retirement.
Most of it anyway)

Our retirement.

I never totally STOPPED VOLUNTEERING . I just worked here at Rolling Meadows Ranch All the time except for emergencies and rescues (or the few times I went to the Park because I had to get away).
I hid.

Hiding got to be a habit.
I became a hermit.
A shell of who I was.

Add to that the overly hot winter, spring and summer we just had.
The almost daily rain all spring. The daily thunderstorms /rain /lightening all summer…the flooding..not being able to work because the heat was making me sick.

The weight gain. Menopause symptoms long after menopause.
I became a bitch at home.

Then the lupus flare. Fibro. Add in my ankle/foot and chemo.

I wasn’t happy. I was seriously depressed. Worried about Danny overworking. Stressing out.
Our Problems grew almost out of control.
I was fighting the health WAR. I wasn’t fighting For ME.

There is a difference.
I had always fought back when I got sick. That part is EASY. I JUST DO IT.
SO WHY DID I STOP FIGHTING FOR ME?
When did I stop believing I WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR?
My happiness should be just AS IMPORTANT AS DANNY’S
AND EVERYONE ELSE’S.
WOW, When I decide to let it out, I let it out.
WHEW!
I am not as angry at Danny as I am at ME.
I am still angry at other people.

Today, At our Roundup, I also realized I AM Dealing with that as well.
I let me anger go today and let myself enjoy the day.
I was “Me” Again and I am starting to Love “Me” as well.

This BLOG and my sharing the things that I have….The personal things I never thought I would ever share have helped me face what was happening.
You my friends here have helped me to see thing a bit more clearly.

None of this happened overnight. It won’t change over night.
BUT IT WILL CHANGE.

I promise and I don’t lie.

It is now 12:33 AM.

This was Day 1. I have 27 more days to go.

16 Comments Add yours

  1. Well done for doing this and I hope you learn to fight for what you want and need 🙂

    1. Tandy, I am.
      It will take a lot of work but I can’t continue not being happy.
      Have a wonderful weekend. Any plans?

  2. Heather says:

    Oh Sarah, this is you screaming to be free! Weak and wimpy you are not. I hope this challenge helps you reflect on life, reflect on you, and all the good you have in your heart. 🙂

    1. Heather, So far it’ already been worth it. Thank you for your support. Any plans for this weekend?

      1. Heather says:

        My mom and cousin are finally home from Scotland so I’m thinking of spending time with them.
        How about you?

        1. Oh Scotland. I would love to visit there. Ireland as well.
          I am /We are good.

    2. And Yes, I was screaming…wasn’t I?

      1. Heather says:

        In a good way 🙂

        1. In a good way. It has helped.

  3. I love what you have to say and I hope you find you again! It is a long road but I know you can do it! love you

  4. Now Sarah you were so right on this! You told me that this post is more out there than the one I commented on earlier! Wow! That was quite something. So honest. And because I just read this marvellous post of yours I’m thinking about taking the challenge. It is a hard one to take and I seriously admire your courage. Really.

    1. Oh Rob, Thank you.
      I’ve hated the bitterness…the almost HATE I have been feeling for so long. I am not one to feel hate.
      Not usually.
      I hope you decide to take it. Love you.

  5. This is a great challenge. I may attempt it soon. My prayer for you, as you proceed, is for deep and complete healing. It is good to let go of feelings, of words, of emotions. If you keep them bottled up inside, eventually, they eat away at you and destroy who you once have been. I pray you find the true you again…be refreshed. Be renewed. Return to being you. 😉

  6. Erika Kind says:

    Your openness is truly amazing, Sarah… and liberating for sure. A wonderful challenge to do!

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