Fighting My Way Back


1. Why are You doing #Loveme?

I am doing this challenge for a couple of reasons that have nothing to do with the  #Love Me itself. I mentioned in the previous post that I was needy to be challenged for long period. I need to be motivated, not just to post what I want to post daily but to have a schedule of things I post at certain times. 28 Day /Monthly type challenges are daily post with different subject matter. I don’t choose what the subject is.

This challenge will force to to think a little more. I am taking it seriously. Many of the daily challenges normally would be easy for me. As I was reading them the first time ( a few months ago) I saw different ways of looking at them.
I will have to to write everyday about a variety of events/tasks that I didn’t choose.
This particular one is already causing me trouble because the words aren’t wanting to come.

I am writing this Wednesday night. (11:34 right now). It is not what I want to do now. I would have liked to have held off with it.

I am motivated to get it done because I said I would. I always TRY and keep my promises.

As to why I am doing #Love Me”, I haven’t really been taking care of “Me’ the last few years.
Years ago, If you would have asked me to take a challenge like this I would have said, “No , because “I loved myself.” I really enjoyed the person I was. I was confident. I knew who I was and what I was.
A Mom. A Teacher. Daughter.  Sister. Aunt.  Friend. And so on…..I was comfortable. I knew exactly WHO I WAS. I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to anyone.

I still love who I am. I still enjoy my own company.
I am still Bobby’s mom even though he isn’t here. I deal with that.

My dad is still alive so I am still a daughter. I am still all of those things.
I am still a daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I will always be a teacher even if I don’t get paid for it.

I am a wife but the ground rules changed. I let them change. I lost my identity.
Danny didn’t do it to me. I did.
I stopped putting my needs and wants in the equation whether it was at work (Meaning At the park) or at home. Whatever everyone else wanted , I said ok.
This is really hard for me because I can’t find the words I want to say.
I am 56 years old and instead of feeling Strong and Confident, I  feel Week and Wimpy. ”
I am not a WIMP. I am not WEAK. I am certainly not a CHILD.

Certain things that I can’t discuss (part stuff) have happened and somehow I got caught in the middle of. (Danny to.)
I never fought back. We are all to worry about losing jobs and not talking bad about anyone. Not causing trouble.
Don’t do this and don’t say that….
Danny has a little more leeway because he is A PAID employee. He can stand up a little more.
I am a volunteer.
You know what? That shouldn’t make a difference.
I live here. Danny and I have lived on state property for almost 9 years.
I have volunteered as much as they work. Which means I WORKED AS HARD AS THEY HAVE.
Yet, I have always had to bite my tongue and say nothing way too many times.
I have let them run over me.
Or I was.
Then I just slowed way down on the volunteering. If they couldn’t treat me with the respect I deserved then I shouldn’t be helping them as much as I was.

(This of course was before I got really sick this last year.)

I blamed Danny for a lot  of it. Yet, when it really got bad, I kept quiet but he didn’t. He let them know that it wasn’t right treating me like I was being treated.

So he told them I wasn’t volunteering at all any more.
That’s where part of our problem started.
It was a decision that should have been made together. I should have had a say in it.
He “Took away” the only thing HERE that made me feel like I was contributing .
I get very little disability. I get very little income at all.
All of what I do get a month goes into my retirement.
Most of it anyway)

Our retirement.

I never totally STOPPED VOLUNTEERING . I just worked here at Rolling Meadows Ranch All the time except for emergencies and rescues (or the few times I went to the Park because I had to get away).
I hid.

Hiding got to be a habit.
I became a hermit.
A shell of who I was.

Add to that the overly hot winter, spring and summer we just had.
The almost daily rain all spring. The daily thunderstorms /rain /lightening all summer…the flooding..not being able to work because the heat was making me sick.

The weight gain. Menopause symptoms long after menopause.
I became a bitch at home.

Then the lupus flare. Fibro. Add in my ankle/foot and chemo.

I wasn’t happy. I was seriously depressed. Worried about Danny overworking. Stressing out.
Our Problems grew almost out of control.
I was fighting the health WAR. I wasn’t fighting For ME.

There is a difference.
I had always fought back when I got sick. That part is EASY. I JUST DO IT.
When did I stop believing I WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR?
My happiness should be just AS IMPORTANT AS DANNY’S
WOW, When I decide to let it out, I let it out.
I am not as angry at Danny as I am at ME.
I am still angry at other people.

Today, At our Roundup, I also realized I AM Dealing with that as well.
I let me anger go today and let myself enjoy the day.
I was “Me” Again and I am starting to Love “Me” as well.

This BLOG and my sharing the things that I have….The personal things I never thought I would ever share have helped me face what was happening.
You my friends here have helped me to see thing a bit more clearly.

None of this happened overnight. It won’t change over night.

I promise and I don’t lie.

It is now 12:33 AM.

This was Day 1. I have 27 more days to go.