#Love Me Challenge: Learn To Love You. Day 5- A Letter To Your Past You

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Everything in me SCREAMS to Write a letter to ME BEFORE BOBBY DIED THAT FATEFUL DAY.
What could I possible say to myself?
May 19, 2015

Debbie,
This Is From You In the year 2015. October 19.
You just laughed. Didn’t you?
What if I asked you who your first love was? The one you loved as a girl for years. More than a crush. The one you never talk about.
Yes Roy…
No one else would know or remember.
Do you believe it’s yourself in the year 2015?
Probably not but you have some serious doubts.
The reason I am writing you is to tell you NOT TO LEAVE BOBBY ALONE AT HIS APARTMENT ON MAY 19, 2015.

He will have an asthma attack somewhere around 5PM.
He will die unless he gets oxygen. HIS INHALER WILL NOT WORK. He will waste time trying to call you at home.

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So I can’t write THAT LETTER.
Oh How I wish I could.

So my letter will be sent Β a few months later. I am about to move to Florida. Bobby is in Heaven. I am starting ANEW. With Danny. We said our vows on Bobby’s Mountain.

Image result for Letters To MyselfSarah,
This is from you from October 2015.
You were asked more than once who you loved more….Bobby or Danny.
You always said,”I love them both but I need Bobby.”


When you are in Colorado and are planning on coming to Florida to live full time, WHATEVER YOU DO , DO NOT LEAVE EVERYTHING AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE.
DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO MOVE ALL OF YOURS AND BOBBY’S BELONGINGS TO FLORIDA.
DO NOT LEAVE COLORADO WITHOUT THEM.

ONE WORD FIRE.

THAT ALONE SHOULD MAKE SURE YOU DO WHAT I AM TELLING YOU HERE. YOU WOULD HAVE TO LISTEN EVEN IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE THIS LETTER IS FROM AN OLDER YOU.


That said….
I have a few words of wisdom to tell you from learning things the hard way. LISTEN WELL.
I will also explain why I am saying this.

First and foremost:
You will hate SPRING, SUMMER AND A GOOD PART OF FALL In FLORIDA 10x’s MORE THAN YOU EVER IMAGINE IT NOW.
It will suck the life out of you if you let it.
Take action early so as not to have problems later.
DO NOT MAKE DUE WITH BEING HOT AT HOME.
If you are hot inside then turn the AC DOWN.
Danny will turn the heat on all winter so don’t feel guilty when you have to TURN THE AC DOWN.

To most people this sounds so simple YET It isn’t.
YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY. DON’T.

Second:

DO NOT LEAVE YOU BEHIND.
Things will get pretty bad because you forgot to believe in yourself. You forgot for awhile to love yourself FIRST.
You will think about leaving Danny many times.
You won’t trust in YOURSELF.

Your comment to that will be: “I won’t lose myself or anything else. I have already lost the worse thing I could ever lose. Bobby. If I am strong enough to face that, I am strong enough to beat the heat in Florida. I am strong enough to beat anything.”

Yes, you are but you will forget it for awhile. You will let Danny and others keep you from doing what you need to do. You will become DEPRESSED.
You thought it was bad in 1999.
That is nothing like what you will battle in 2014 and 2015.
You will become a hermit in your own home.
A shell of yourself.
Love IS NOT ENOUGH.
Danny will NOT WANT TO LEAVE FLORIDA.
Some promises do get broken.

Lastly: Deal with Lori. NOW. I MEAN NOW. Or WALK AWAY.
Love
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Wow, That was hard because I know it can’t be done. My mind had trouble with it.
I am also having trouble with WORDPRESS.
I thought it was just me but I have heard others having trouble with getting wordpress to work right.
Losing information before you PUBLISH OR SCHEDULE.
I have lost 3 different posts that were saved but can’t be found.
My settings are messed up.

Love Sarah
Now IF TIME TRAVEL WERE REAL……..The older me would go back in time.Β 

18 Comments Add yours

  1. This was difficult to read. I know you are moving forward but you have to let go of any responsibility that you feel about Bobby’s death. You raised him to adulthood and your job was finished. To be accountable to him every minute would have stifled him. Everything happened as it was supposed to. Not the way you hoped but how it was planned by God (or the universe) or whatever source you believe in. Trust ithat.

    1. Oh Cathy,
      I don’t feel responsible for Bobby’s Death. I never have. I am not even angry about it.
      I always knew there was nothing I could have done. There wasn’t much he could have done either.
      I saw him less than 2 hours before he died. He was well and happy.
      He died happy.
      Letting Bobby grow and leave the house was easy for both of us.
      I loved it after he left the house. SO did he.
      I never had any problem letting him go.
      I always felt bad for those moms who had trouble went their kids moved out or went away to college. I never understood it. That is what they are suppose to do.

      I also do trust that God had a reason for him to die like he did.
      My faith is even stronger now because of it. I am calm when I think of Bobby.
      It is just time I started writing about him. I never have before.
      The letter was just an exercise. I only wrote that part because IF we could write a letter like that or if time travel did exist then …Yes….I would do all I could to change things. I don’t know any of us who wouldn’t.
      I have few regrets in my life.
      Very few.
      Love you for caring.

      1. Great! I feel the same way. It’s just when you said not to leave him alone that day I thought felt you could have done something differently to prevent it.

  2. Dear Sarah, I would love you to share in “a letter to the past you” the great things that you did do on that unforgettable day. You are a wise and great person and life offers so many choices. We cannot be everywhere at once. Hugs A LOT OF THEM.

    1. Nelia,
      I was just writing another friend here about that post.
      She was under the impression that I blamed myself for not being there when he died.
      I never did have that problem.
      He had an Asthma Attack. It happens.
      As I look back on that day: It’s like I am watching it in slow motion. Not really there but seeing everything.
      I was so calm. I never cried. Not even before the ambulance got there. I went outside and called Danny while waiting for them.
      I was calm then also.
      Not a tear. No emotion. I was a robot after that. I did what had to be done.
      It wasn’t until Danny got there and held me that I really let myself fall apart. I knew he would talk care of things for me. And he did. Some of our best moments together were during “Hell Week”.
      I’ve been asked to write about that whole day before.
      Many times. And the week that followed.
      HUGS

      1. That’s great. Love you too. Enjoy your view. Enjoy Danny. πŸ™‚

  3. Merryn says:

    I couldn’t move a muscle whilst reading this. I could feel such pain and agony coming through your words. What a lot of suffering you have endured. It’s so hard not being able to go back and change things isn’t it. If only you could hug Bobby again and see his smile. If only that fire didn’t take so much. I feel your grief tonight. Some things just aren’t fair. I hope one day you shall see Bobby again in heaven. xoxo

    1. Merryn,
      One of the things I learned early on is :I am so glad I didn’t know that he would die when he did.
      He lived life to the fullest until that final moment.
      We said I love you each and every time we saw each or talked on the phone.
      Bit I wouldn’t be honest or human if I didn’t want that last goodbye or to change things.

      Over all, I really am good.
      And have been for a long time.
      I never really questioned the WHY’S except for the first few months.
      My faith is stronger now.
      It is doing me a world of good to finally be sharing Bobby. The good and the sad.
      The sad have only made me stronger.
      I will see Bobby again in heaven.
      I see him a lot in my dreams. As a child, the man he was and the man he would be now.
      Smiling as I wrote the last. xoxoxoxo

      1. Merryn says:

        So glad you have come to a place of peace about it all. Grief can’t be rushed. It’s beautiful that you can write about it now xoxo

        1. I was fortunate. That peace came almost right away. I missed him and that was hard. Still is. But the peace came early. I was lucky Many never get it. Many never want to,

        2. I was asked to write about it and many other things concerning Bobby.
          xoxoxo

  4. I understand the letter is part of a healing process and grief resolution. 12 Steps of AA suggest to do this as a way to make amends to those who have died. It is the best we can do. It has not worked for me and remorse and crushing guilt haunt me daily.

    1. Carl,
      I had trouble writing the letter because I seldom think about going back then and changing things.
      He was happy right up to the moment he died. We had an awesome mom, girlfriend and son day.
      I have nothing to make amends for. I was not suppose to be there.
      We always said I love you’s when we saw each other or talked on the phone. We always hugged.
      I wouldn’t be normal if I wouldn’t want a Final Goodbye Hug. There would never be enough time to say good bye. I would never have wanted to know that he would die young. Some things are best left not knowing.
      I am sorry you for you that you do have the remorse and guilt. I can’t imagine how that would be to deal with everyday.
      It would be a heavy weight to bare. Hugs my friend. <3 <3

  5. Erika Kind says:

    Sarah, that moved me to tears. I understand your pain so well. I don’t want to go into detail but I understand the feelings of a mother regarding this situations so very well. What happened was not in your hands. But I see that it takes a lot of time to accept it. You are a wonderful person and you are beautiful and wodnerful and creative. I am glad to see where you are today!

    1. Erika,
      Hugs for what you didn’t say.
      I never realize that this post would sound like I blamed myself for not being there when he died.
      I never did. Not in the least bit.
      He had an asthma attack. I never questioned that. I have terrible attacks. I know how they are. Everything happens so quickly. I had no reason to think Bobby would ever have another bad one. It had been years.
      I had trouble writing that letter because I never really thought about going back and changing things.
      Yet, If things were possible and I would have known what was going to happen, YES I would want to change them.
      I also realize that if I had changed them…Neither of our lives would have been as easy again.
      Both Bobby and I would have lived in FEAR all of his life.
      So I am glad we didn’t know.
      The letter was just a part of the challenge.

      <3

      1. Erika Kind says:

        I understand and I completely agree. If it hadn’t happened what happened you would live in fear! Thank you for telling me this all. You know perhaps it only appeard to me that way. πŸ™‚

        1. We would have lived in fear and that is no way to live. And as much as I would love another hug….One hug would never be enough.
          No harsh were were ever really spoken . Nothing was left unsaid…
          It also seems as if I am having more trouble dealing with his death ONLY because I have never written about it publicly the way I am not. So I am talking about him a lot.
          I seldom have BAD DAYS or BAD DREAMS.
          A Moment here and there. My memories are happy ones.
          Great ones. I laughed or smile when I think of them.

          1. Erika Kind says:

            That is simply wonderful, Sarah! I don’t have other words. My father was not an easy person, but I learned to accept him the way he was. When he died unexpectedly there was nothing open. A very comforting feeling.

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