One of our contractors at Rolling Meadows Ranch snapped our phone / internet line Friday afternoon. He had their motor grader and was working on our lane, trying to smooth out the ruts from the semi’s we have in and out all day….5 – 7 days a week.
(All part of the huge restoration project here.)
I watched him head out to the entrance. Seconds later we had no internet.
I knew where and how it happened.
Danny and I had talked about the need to call the phone company and have them rebury a section of line.
The internet here was too slow for me to get online. The landline had too much static in it.
That left Danny to take care of it.
One of us should also have mentioned the phone line to the contractors. That never happened.
So Friday afternoon, I watched the motor grader head out and knew what was about to happen.
There was no way to stop it.
I GOT ANGRY. AT DANNY. IT WAS HIS FAULT. TOTALLY HIS FAULT.
I TOOK NONE OF THE BLAME.
NOT AT FIRST.
By the time he came home, I was ANGRY. BOILING MAD.
I had posts to get out. Things to do.
I always wait, by the door for him to get home after work.
I had – had 2 hours to tell myself not to get angry. Not to be a “bitch”.
He’d be exhausted from being outside.
YET, I WANTED DANNY TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I WAS AT HIM. Angry also, that this is Bobby’s birthday weekend and I want to be on Facebook more. With my angel mom’s and dad’s.
So I watched him pull in. Get out of the truck.
The snacks were already on the table. I put his ice tea there and met him at the door.
He spoke first ” I guess I should have done something about the wire……”
He couldn’t help but see it as he drove in.
My anger fled. Well, most of it. I was still upset…but then I always seem to be upset these days.
As we sat and talked I realized that I was as much at fault….maybe more…. I could have walked out of the house …to the road any time this week… and mention the line to the workers. It was a hundred- 2 hundred feet.
Nope, I had stewed all week , ready to blame him for making me do without internet.
Knowing what was going to happern and LETTING IT HAPPEN.
When did the internet become something I can’t live without. Not for a day. An hour?
The first 3 years, Danny and I were together, we had no internet… no TV.. Just us. And we thrived.
The internet has been good for me, in many ways.
When I first got on Facebook, I only did it to get a co-worker at the park , off my back.
She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t on it.
The “friend” thing.
So I got on. Saw old classmates.
Then I met a bunch of angel mom’s and dad’s.
I was hooked. I had never let myself grieve Bobby’s death. I never had the chance to talk about him here in Florida. At the time..few people even knew about Bobby. So they never knew me. Not as Debbie, Bobby’s mom. I was Sarah, Danny’s wife.
So for the next few years, I grieved with others. I started helping other parents. I couldn’t stop helping.
I was still volunteering all the time at the park. Working with Danny. So there was more of a balance.
Danny and I also enjoyed searching for certain things. A song we thought of. A movie we remembered.
I am rambling.
I have been quieter than usual. With certain people I am closer to.
This started out as a simple post letting you all know that I don’t have internet. You will get this sometime this weekend, when I get to the park and can send it.
If I go to the park.
Not having it for the last day has forced me to do some heavy thinking.
As I was saying, the internet has been good for me in many ways.
Lately, though…..I want more.
I have been searching for more blogs ro read when I don’t have time to read the hundreds I already like. My email accounts are out of control.
I watch Youtube videos and post on Pinterest about tiny homes and RV’S.
I want something.
Need something. So I spend most of my time downloading free ebooks that I don’t read.
You get the picture. I wasn’t even aware of it until Courtney Joseph wrote about us never being satified.
King Solomon in Ecclesiastes was never satisfied.
Danny and I talked till midnight. Like we use to do. Really talked.
Well, he spent an hour of that time on his cell phone trying to get our internet fixed.
SERVICE IS DUE NEXT FRIDAY. As in a week from now.
I am more relaxed right now than I have been in months.
It helps knowing that the internet won’t magically come back on. That I have to do without it.
I loved our night TOGETHER.
Talking. Then train time after midnight. Family time with Mr. Bojangles and Vittles.
He watched me make hamburgers.
Simple and fun. Like old times.
Saturday. Danny is restless. He just went out to see if he can fix the lines. He wants the internet.
Part of me….. a huge part….wants him to fix it… at least until they can really fix it.
Another part of me prays he doesn’t get it fix.We need time away from the internet. Time to spend together doing activities we once did all the time.
I need time.
To slow down.
To stop going from email to email. Post to post. It won’t kill me not to post for a day or 2.
I need to post Sunday’s Women Living Well’s Blog post. Sometime Monday morning. Monday afternoon at the latest. We are in Week 6. Their last week.
It will continue awhile for a few of my new group members.
I need to touch bases with them. I can’t just stop … No internet here is not a good enough excuse.
I plan to post this on Monday. And Women Living Well’s post. I will probably just post the whole thing. Not do my own.
I have more to add about not having internet and the FREEDOM that brings.
And the PAIN of not having it.
Have an awesome week.
Bobby, this weekend I plan to celebrate your 36 Birthday. I love you to the moon and back. Love Mom
Lake Kissimmee State Park
Posted Monday from the park.