From Sarah :
I have really been trying not to get all stressed out this SEASON OF ADVENT. This Season Of Joy…..
Which few of us really feel.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t expect much from Danny this year.
I forgot to remind myself again on my birthday. December 11 was Hell.
Why? Because I wanted sweetness and love and I got realities of life.
Granted I had reason to be upset…. Danny admitted he messed up.
Later. Days later.
I ALMOST LET A BAD BIRTHDAY. A BAD DAY RUIN THE REST OF THE SEASON.
I let it go. Or I am seriously trying to.
The picture right now represents
Letting go of OLD TRADITIONS….
MAKE NEW ONES WHEN NEEDED.
I also decided to let things happen this Christmas. Danny is Danny.
Christmas is different for him. I have good memories. Awesome memories. Family is everything. Was everything.
We celebrated life. We celebrated family.
So the days Between Thanksgiving And January 6, Epiphany was a continuation of our love for God, Jesus, Family, Friends And Strangers.
Danny never really had a good family life. He had moments of happy times but always had the knowledge it wouldn’t continue.
The fear was always there.
His realities and mine were poles apart.
Are still poles apart.
Danny can remember some good holidays. With friends and their families. He saw it on TV.
I LIVED IT.
He grew up as Christian. I am amazed at that. Self taught. Yet, his belief is only SO DEEP.
MINE CONSUMES ME.
I miss family this time of year more than any other. Friends.
The Lutheran Church.
I want to study and learn. I want to inhale Advent.
So I have studying and did my daily journaling. I have gone deep into his word.
NOT DEEP ENOUGH.
I still have that childish dream of the way Christmas should be.
I had it as a child. I had it as a mom, an aunt, a teacher and a friend..
I crave what I had.
That life is gone.
The memories are there. The strong foundation of love and support is there.
I need to focus on Us.
My birthday. December 11, 2006
There was / is life after Bobby.
I had an awesome day.
I had my memories.
I had my future.
I had Danny.
Danny and I.
At the park.
Danny and I : After Roundup. OCTOBER 2016. He worked it.
His needs. What he CAN HANDLE.
I LEARNED LAST NIGHT : ONCE AGAIN :
Danny had fun. I had fun.
Not Christmas Eve like I Wanted to. It wasn’t the right time.
So my first reaction was “No”.
Danny box from me was under the tree. Had been for a couple of weeks.
So he knew it had to do with TRAINS.
He never really said much.
Except he was really afraid my BOX wouldn’t get here in time.
Well, it came yesterday . Shortly before he came home.
Yes, I was curious.
My wants for the trains (my side of the train set) don’t always mash with his.
I knew I would like what I got. I wasn’t sure if I would love it.
I had no doubt he would love what I got him.
My box was long and narrow.
I suspected a few train tracks…
Not my idea…. his.
I got away from the moment when he asked me if we could open them.
My “No! ” was automatic.
He said, “We could open them now. I work tomorrow but I am off the next couple of days.
I work Christmas weekend.
Little train time”.
Then he walked away.
My mind was screaming ” No Way.”
“IT’S NOT CHRISTMAS EVE”.
I grew up opening our gifts Christmas Eve. Church. Food. A long night of gift giving. Family.
Plus it was 10: 30 PM.
I was exhausted.
WAIT A MINUTE!
DANNY IS MY FAMILY. CHRISTMAS EVE isn’t about Opening our Gifts.
Gift giving and receiving should he relaxed. Special. Slow.
So I Said “Yes!”
The look on Danny face was worth it.
The next few hours were Worth Even More. PRICELESS.
We made MEMORIES.
Now read the post that inspired me.
Mercy Is New : All Is Not Calm
All Is Not Bright.
I kind of laughed as I thought about the phrase from the Christmas carol, “all is calm, all is bright.” And I immediately thought NOTHING IN MY HOUSE IS CALM OR BRIGHT.