Dear Danny; What Happened To Us? Updated.

From Sarah:
Updated. August 3, 2019
Some things have changed for the better since I last wrote this letter.
Life at the park is a little better than before. We have a new Assistant Manager.  Well new 3 years ago. She is amazing.
For me though, it’s HELL.
Mainly things out of my control.

Danny finally got me on his cell phone plan. Verizon. So I got a new phone.
Shortly after I wrote the first letter to Danny, I bought a good used cell phone and got Twigby
I had phone service and data.
Data is important because our internet connection at it’s best is only 1G. Usually it’s .05 or less.
Or nothing at all.
Although at the moment , Nothing is working well here.
Not on either phones.
I bought a better camera and finally a new laptop. Not as good as I need but better than the ones Danny bought me.

I have been back to Illinois 2 different times.
Once in November of last year. Danny was with me. We were there almost a month.
It was wonderful to be on the family farm again.
To spend quality time with family.
Dad. Donna and Jim. My niece and nephews and their families. I called a few friends but didn’t visit with them then. I needed family time.
Danny and I needed time together. We need time away from Lake Kissimmee State Park and Rolling Meadows Ranch.
Away from the radio.
AWAY together.
We had a wonderful time. We stayed in a motel in Grafton. It overlooked the Mississippi River.
We traveled the back roads of my childhood. Ate Catfish and fritters. Frog Legs. Home cooking. We shared meals together.
We seldom do that in Florida.
Danny eats in his computer room at all hours. Refusing any kind of meal time together.
I grew up with family meals.
Lively meals. We laughed . Told stories. Caught up with everyone and their day.
I miss that almost more than anything.
Things changed drastically after the New Year. Honestly, I still don’t understand it.
I am not up to writing about it now, other to say that Danny is NOT the same. He is going through a terrible mid-life crisis. Male Menopause.
Everything that has been wrong all these years is worse. Everything Danny thinks is Okay when I KNOW it’s morally wrong ……It’s worse.
I feel sorry for anyone who has lived through betrayal and hurt.

It’s a lonely life here for me.
I went back home to Grafton In May. I scheduled it so my sister and her husband could go to Idaho for 2 weeks. I wanted to be there a week or so before they left and a week or so after they came back. I wanted to be there for Mother’s Day. Bobby’s Angel Day on May 19th.
Danny was asked to go along.
By the time I left Florida, I was thankful he had stayed home.
I really didn’t want to go home to him when I finally had to.
I will write more about both trips soon.
I will say that while I was in Illinois, my dad died.
Danny took a plane there a week later so we could drive my Dad’s car back to Illinois.

The really important things have deteriorated so badly, that I know in my heart I should leave.
I would be a lot happier if I left you. Left Florida.
Where would I go?
Good question?
Colorado?
I always wanted to move back to Colorado. I dream of being in the mountains again. I long for it.
4 Seasons. All Mild.
I would see snow. I wouldn’t be burning up 350 or more days of the year. It’s not as humid.
The mountains call my name.
They always have.
What about my hometown?
Grafton?
I love the family farm, but my sister and her husband own it now. They have plans to sell most of it and move to Idaho.
My niece and nephews and their families live in Illinois.
I have friends there.
My home church is there.
I have choices.
Writing as if I were writing to Danny again. :

Danny,
I don’t need you to be happy. I was perfectly content living in Colorado when Bobby was alive. I would have managed very well if I had never left it.
I didn’t know until you told me a few months ago, that my dad had told you to get me as far away from Colorado when he and my mom came out the week Bobby died.
THANK YOU for Following Dad’s advice.
Yet, in all honesty, Dad was wrong.
He meant well.
When he saw me a few days after Bobby died, all he saw was a shell of myself.
A wreck. Someone who wasn’t able to close her eyes because all she saw was Bobby lying on the floor in his apartment. Dead.
All I could smell was death.
When I went back to close up the house a few months after moving to Florida, I couldn’t wait to see everything . I was HOME in Colorado.
Yes, Bobby was everywhere. I loved that part.
What I remember most is the joy I felt coming HOME.
I was happy. Yes, I was grieving. I would have grieved no matter where I was.
I missed you while I was there those 2 weeks. I made sure I was back in Florida for Easter weekend.
I hated leaving Colorado.
I left in a snowstorm.
It was in the upper 80’s when I got to Florida.
My heart was still in Colorado. I shouldn’t have had to choose between  you or Colorado.

The following is an old post.
I wrote the following section  2 years ago.
During a very lonely night of missing Bobby, Missing US, Missing Me. This was a post I never meant to share.
I rambled. I was open and honest. Too honest, maybe…Not honest enough…. It’s emotional. Heartfelt. A Mom who misses her child.
A few things have changed since I wrote this.
Our Assistant Manager Left last month.
Charlie Left last year.
Danny really HATES what has happened at work. He still loves Lake Kissimmee State Park and being a Park Ranger. He Hates  many of the changes that have been made and the ones that never seem to change.

I have cell service. Sort of : TextNow.
I bought a refurbished Samsung S4.

Danny bought me a DSLR Camera for my birthday.
WHY? So I could start taking photos of Train Activities. And It was Cheap.
Not complaining because at least I have one now.
I went home to Illinois.
For Mom’s memorial service.

We were suppose to go to Arizona to see my dad in October of last year.
The money was supposed to have been SAVED.
We couldn’t go. Not our fault.
But the MONEY I had put aside for it IS GONE.
Danny, you promised to save it and not spend it.
It was money from Dad anyway. For Me.

It was the ONLY thing I insisted on when I got my Christmas Check. The ONLY THING.

We still have good times. A lot of them. The simple every day moments.

I haven’t been happy. It’s not all your fault. Depression is a horrible thing. Yet, I cover it well when you are home. I keep things going.

I am sorry for the weight gain.
Do you ever walk with me?
The only time we ever walked together is when we walked Mittens.
She has been dead for almost 3 years.

I don’t remember you ever asking me “How  My Day Went”….Not here in Florida.
You never ask me about anything PERSONAL.

From Sarah
Please Pray for me. I love Danny. I know he loves me.

The following is the letter I wrote 2 years ago, never meaning to share. I never give Danny his letters.

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A wife who misses her husband and the life they had planned.

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Written:
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Dear Danny,
We each made promises before and after I moved here to Florida.  You were so different back then and I know I was as well.
We had the world at our feet. We really did. We even had the money to make most of our dreams come true.

I know that the chances of you ever finding another job in the Park Service that included a house or a mobile home not on top of other employees would be hard. I have looked at ALL of the parks. I have had years to look around.
We are fortunite to live where we do. We have a house, We live alone for the most part on 7 thousand areas. We have the park to call our own as well as Catfish Creek. I don’t know of anyone one else who can say they sit in the middle if 25 thousand acres.
We see more animals in our own yard than most people see in a lifetime. Danny, I would miss this house and what we have here. You know that. I would hate living in town again. With PEOPLE.
You have seen me wither away bit by bit every year as the summers get longer, hotter and wetter. You have seen what it does to me.
You have seen the tears I have shed. I am an outdoor person who lives inside most of the year.
Why do I understand why you stay here and yet, you won’t admit how much I need to leave?
Danny, You aren’t even happy here any more. You still enjoy the work. You just can’t stand the fact that you are the ONLY one who is really doing their part. At least Andi is starting to come round. Mark is only going to get worse. If that is possible. Big Josh won’t grow up. How many split shifts did you have to do this week because he took off his late field week? That is NOT going to change. Charlie, (And you know I love him like a brother) is so tired of the park that he isn’t going to get any better. He will always take off weekends and holidays. Why shouldn’t he? He has a new wife and her son and a small ranch of his own to take care of.
Unlike Us who never do anything. They have a life and working together.
Our managers certainly are not going to change. They have had 9 years to change.
I have kept ALL of my promises. Every single one of them.
Can you say the same thing? Remember, I have all of our letters, notes, emails and postcards. Every last one of them.
Have you kept any of them?

OK, You promised to always love me and I know that you do
What happened to our dreams? Our plans?

Danny, Bobby died while I was making plans to move here. I never backed down. Never wavered from our plan. Yes, I had to delay moving to Florida. Yes, we had to delay the wedding for a few months.
I came as soon as I could get his affairs taken care of. AFFAIRS, How I hate that word, no matter how it is used.
He died in May and I was here the week before Thanksgiving. I even came the week we were suppose to have been married. I was here exactly as planned. I just had to go back.
Danny, I had to close down our house, Bobby’s apartment and bury my son.
What did you have to do?
I will always be thankful you were there with me right after he died. No One, No Parent, No Mother, should have have to say goodbye to their child, although, if you remember I refused to say gooodbye to him.
Hell week.
I remember more of it than you think I do. I remember you holding me for hours when I couldn’t I remember my parents going in to say their goodbyes. Oh Danny, Dad cried. He cried because of Bobby and because he knew he couldn’t help me get through it. . I remember later dad telling me how glad he was that you were there.
You told him that you would never let me cry if you could help it.
YOU LIED.
Not once, since I moved here have you held me when I was crying unless I asked you to. Not once.
You have intentionally let me cry.

.

You were the one who found Caladonna’s and took care of everything. I just had to sign for things.
Did I ever thank you for insisiting that I see him that day? I wasn’t going to. I didn’t want to see him.
You told me that I would never get the image of him lying there in his apartment out of my mind (and I haven’t), but that I need to see him one last time. I had to talk to him.
The tears have been falling for awhile now.
You were right. I had to have one last talk with my son.
I remember my parents going in to say their goodbyes. Oh Danny, Dad cried. He cried because of Bobby and because he knew he couldn’t help me get through it. . I remember later dad telling me how glad he was that you were there.
You told him that you would never let me cry if you could help it.
YOU LIED.
Not once, since I moved here have you held me when I was crying unless I asked you to. Not once.
You have intentionally let me cry.
Danny, You promised I would be able to get my things. That we would drive them back here together. No the fire there WAS NOT your fault. It was your fault that we never made it back there that first year

What happened to us going to Colorado. Climbing Pike’s Peak. I was healthy enough to still do it until 3 -4 years ago.

Visiting MY FAMILY OUT WEST and in ILLINOIS?
Those were the main things I asked for.
The most important ones.
Except for AC. You have kept that promise. I have AC.
Why did it take you till this summer to put the AC in the kitchen?

I don’t ask for much. You say that all the time. So why do you give me such a hard time about everything I do ask for? I have asked for cell phone service and a decent camera. I got a camera that wore out in a year. I never did get a cell phone service. The only one I have ,someone gave me because I needed a camera.
Remember, You had me give up A T&T (which worked better here than Verizon did/does) so I could get on your plan. It never happened. You came up with excuse after excuse.

I am sorry I am sick most of the time any more.
I understand what that does to you. I get that.

I understand that you weren’t expecting to get the job at Lake Kissimmee State Park. I really understand why you took it. Why we weren’t going to take that first year and travel.
I was glad about the job. It also meant I was STUCK here in Florida.

What happened to us?
What went wrong?
You asked me to leave Colorado and the home I had there. A house I had lived in for years. Raised my son in. You asked me to leave Bobby and all the wonderful family and friends I had there or near by.
I left a a stay at home job I loved. Teaching was everything to me. You saw the Homeschool/ daycare/preschool. I made more money 12 years ago than you do now with the park service. A Lot more.
I gave up the Special Lupus Program that had paid for almost everything.
You knew how much I hated being hot. We talked for months about that. You knew I left Illinois and the farm I loved because I couldn’t handle the heat and humidity. Medically couldn’t handle it. That was 23 years before. I was younger then. Healthier.
You promised me over and over again, if I couldn’t handle it in Florida, we’d leave it.
You promised.

We are fortunite to live where we do. We have a house, We live alone for the most part on 7 thousand areas. We have the park to call our own as well as Catfish Creek. I don’t know of anyone one else who can say they sit in the middle if 25 thousand acres.
We see more animals in our own yard than most people see in a lifetime. Danny, I would miss this house and what we have here. You know that. I would hate living in town again. With PEOPLE.
You have seen me wither away bit by bit every year as the summers get longer, hotter and wetter. You have seen what it does to me.
You have seen the tears I have shed. I am an outdoor person who lives inside most of the year.
Why do I understand why you stay here and yet, you won’t admit how much I need to leave?
Danny, You aren’t even happy here any more. You still enjoy the work. You just can’t stand the the fact that you are the ONLY one who is really doing there part. At least Andi is starting to come round.

Mark is only going to get worse. If that is possible. Big Josh won’t grow up. How many split shifts did you have to do this week because he took off his late field week? That is NOT going to change. Charlie, (And you know I love him like a brother) is so tired of the park that he isn’t going to get any better. He will always take off weekends and holidays. Why shouldn’t he? He has a new wife and her son and a small ranch of his own to take care of.
Unlike Us who never do anything. They have a life and working together.
Our managers certainly are not going to change. They have had 9 years to change.
I have kept ALL of my promises. Every single one of them.
Can you say the same thing? Remember, I have all of our letters, notes, emails and postcards. Every last one of them.
Have you kept any of them?

OK, You promised to always love me and I know that you do
What happened to our dreams? Our plans?

.

Hell week.
I remember more of it than you think I do. I remember you holding me for hours when I couldn’t I remember my parents going in to say their goodbyes. Oh Danny, Dad cried. He cried because of Bobby and because he knew he couldn’t help me get through it. . I remember later dad telling me how glad he was that you were there.
You told him that you would never let me cry if you could help it.
YOU LIED.
Not once, since I moved here have you held me when I was crying unless I asked you to. Not once.
No the fire there WAS NOT your fault. It was your fault that we never made it back there that first year.

I remember my parents going in to say their goodbyes. Oh Danny, Dad cried. He cried because of Bobby and because he knew he couldn’t help me get through it. . I remember later dad telling me how glad he was that you were there.
You told him that you would never let me cry if you could help it.
YOU LIED.
Not once, since I moved here have you held me when I was crying unless I asked you to. Not once.
You have intentionally let me cry.

No the fire there WAS NOT your fault. It was your fault that we never made it back there that first year.
Danny, You promised I would be able to get my things. That we would drive them back here together.
What happened to us going to Colorado. Climbing Pike’s Peak. I was healthy enough to still do it until 3 -4 years ago.
Visiting MY FAMILY OUT WEST and in ILLINOIS?
Those were the main things I asked for.
The most important ones.
Except for AC. You have kept that promise. I have AC.
Why did it take you till this summer do put the AC in the kitchen?

I don’t ask for much. You say that all the time. So why do you give me such a hard time about everything I do ask for? I have asked for cell phone service and a decent camera. I got a camera that wore out in a year. I never did get a cell phone service. The only one I have someone gave me because I needed a camera.
Remember, You had me give up A T&T (which worked better here than Verizon did/does) so I could get on your plan. It never happened. You came up with excuse after excuse.

As usual, I got off the subject. I was talking about our plans.
OUR PLANS.
Do you realize that you have never asked me what I thought about any of the big decisions that have been made in the last 9 years that I have been here? Most of the time we had talked about them for months. But you never really asked how or what I felt. Not once.

What happened to those DREAMS OF YOURS that became my dreams?
Want me to list them?
You promised me we’d travel the US in the RV.
Maybe not the whole US but at least out of Florida.
You promised we would go back within a few months and bring mine and Bobby’s belongings back.
Danny, I can’t blame you for the wildfire that destroyed the house where everything was stored.
Yes, there is a huge part of me that is angry about it.
I lost everything except what I had brought with me in 2 suitcases on 3 different plane trips here That is 6 suitcases. 6 suitcase. Everything I owned. Everything of Bobby’s.

I don’t ask for much. You say that all the time. So why do you give me such a hard time about everything I do ask for? I have asked for cell phone service and a decent camera. I got a camera that wore out in a year. I never did get a cell phone service. The only one I have someone gave me because I needed a camera.
Remember, You had me give up A T&T (which worked better here than Verizon did/does) so I could get on your plan. It never happened. You came up with excuse after excuse.
I am sorry I am sick most of the time any more.
I understand what that does to you. I get that.

I understand that you weren’t expecting to get the job at Lake Kissimmee State Park. I really understand why you took it. Why we weren’t going to take that first year and travel.
I was glad about the job. It also meant I was STUCK here in Florida.

We had 2 vacations and 2 wonderful 3 day weekends in Daytona, One vacation  was before I moved here. So was the first Daytona 500. That means we had ONE vacation and One 3 day weekend in Daytona after I left Colorado.
Yes, I agreed that Daytona was too expensive and too busy.
The vacation we did take was in August to Pine Island. We went fishing on a boat in 90 degree weather.
Hell week.
Sorry but even you said that it was.
You just had to go then.
That was in 2008.

Yes we went to Disney 2 times. I loved them both, One was before I came here. The other was when we still lived in Day Use. We went with other volunteers.
I loved both days with you there. They were wonderful and magical.
We haven’t been to the coast or the Atlantic since we went for work.
We haven’t been anywhere except for work. The last time we got away from here was 3 years ago. We worked at Lake Louisa on the trails.
We worked our butts off and yet we had so much fun. Remember that cabin?
We’ve been offered it a number of times since then.
It is less than 2 hours from here. Yes, I know there is traffic all the way. So take 17 as far as we can. It is not bad from then on.

I know I am coming down on you but once I got started I couldn’t stop.
And I left out a few IMPORTANT things.,
You know what they are.

Look back to what I promised you. Have I broken ANY of them?
Have I not followed through on them? On everyone of them.

I told you I could be a “Bitch” At least I work hard not to be. And when I am, I apologize before during and after.

Goodness knows I have my faults.
I have plenty of them.
Danny, It doesn’t cost anything to go on a picnic. We have to eat anyway. We have plenty of places HERE to have one.
We haven’t been fishing since we left the park. Your boat has sat here rotting for the same amount of time.
We never go left on 60. There are a few places just down the road a ways that we have never been to. We always go to Lake Wales.
What happened to you?
I love our quiet times here at home. I miss family meals. You know how important they are to me. Yet, most of the time I eat alone. I usually sit with you no matter how late you are up.

I know you love me.
What happened to the person who enjoyed making me smile> All I need is a hug. A touch. Ok I get the no touching. A kind word . A thank you.
Danny, I try so hard to be the women, wife, girl and bedtime person that you want me to be. My whole life revolves around you. ”

I am not saying we don’t have good times. We just don’t have many. We still talk for hours and hours. Or rather you do because I am not working with you so what I do any more doesn’t interest you. You have no idea what I do all day.
NONE.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. I can hear the pain in your words. Keep running to the Father who will never turn you away. I’ll continue to pray for healing for you guys.

    ~Jason

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jason, I run as fast as I can to Him. Thank you for the prayers.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Sarah's Attic Of Treasures and commented:

    A hard post for me to share. I decided it was time. The anger and bitterness is ruining our better days.

    Like

    1. I’m missing you, but this seems somehow to be the first time I’ve been able to get here; I’m so sorry; are things better?

      Like

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