Struggling Here/ Christmas IS Hard By Sarah

sarahsatticoftreasures.com/2015/12/22/monday-mom-confessions-not-everyone-loves-christmas/ The blog post above is what started these posts. I am Reaching out in the only way I know how.
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I first shared the above post in 2015. I shared it earlier this month. This post is about me and what I am struggling with.
Christmas has been hard ever since Bobby died 13 years ago. Yet, I have always looked forward to it. Even that first year.
I no longer look forward to it. Not like I should. This ADVENT season DID NOT QUIET MY HEART….
Advent Season : Quieting Your Heart For The Holidays By Time Warp Wife.
I have been doing the Bible Study. It has helped. Just not enough. I will be doing more of it as the month continues and as the New Year Approaches.

2019
From Sarah :
What a difference this year has been. My marriage came crashing down on me in ways I never expected. I haven’t adjusted very well. Instead of dealing with it…meaning either forgiving Danny or just letting everything go, I have allowed the bitterness to infect my soul. My heart.
My anger is taking a toll on me.
My dad died in May and I was left with his car and enough money, not to have to worry about anything. I can also afford to leave. Not sure why I haven’t done so yet, if for no other reason than I deserve to be happy.

I believe in marriage and am still doing everything I can to make it work.  We took off for a mini-vacation to Plant City after Thanksgiving. It was not the relaxing trip I had hoped it would be. Oh we had fun moments. We always do. It’s just that the BAD outweighed the good. Not really bad as much as emotional. A HUGE FIGHT that I couldn’t stop and couldn’t have know would even start.
Danny also started DRINKING again. A LOT.
He not drinking EVERYDAY. NOT YET. But when he does drink, he drinks all night. I fix meals he doesn’t eat.
I swore 5 years ago, when he was in the hospital the FIRST TIME WITH PANCREATITIS  that I wouldn’t STAY if it ever happened again.
He went almost 8 months without drinking.
We very seldom argued at all.
He ended up in the hospital AGAIN this past SEPTEMBER. He was there over a week. Off work for a month.
We are taking off for 5 days at Christmas.
We leave tomorrow afternoon. As soon as he gets off work. He is taking off early.
Am I looking forward to it?
YES AND NO.
I am also making plans for a trip to ILLINOIS in January. Not sure how long I will be gone.

2015
From Sarah: I love Christmas. Or Rather I love Advent and all the excitement it brings.
The days leading up to Christmas are easier for me than the actual day(s). Christmas Eve night is when we (my family and I have always celebrated ). My memories of the years before Bobby died and my moving to Florida were the best. Always.
I still call my dad in Arizona (missing my mom), family in Colorado, And the rest of my family in Illinois. Danny always works that day but makes sure he gets off ASAP Christmas Eve Day. No Late Field. No calls to cover for someone. We will do emergencies…..that is a given.
He always works Christmas Day and the days to follow. Always.
Danny and I have a simple night. We sit by the Christmas Tree and watch the lights.
I fix a special evening’s worth of favorite foods.  (This year we are a mite skimpy on what I have to fix).
We open or RATHER he opens what few gifts I have saved up to buy him. This year I am thankful I bought a few things earlier in the year since I wasn’t really able to save much this year. (Christmas morning or whenever that day we do stocking gifts (I have also bought those).
Until last year, I (we) had gifts that my mom would make and send. Plus I always got a few things she knew I loved. Real Peppermint candy. Plus candy canes. She always sent a box of those with my birthday card.
Last year We got a couple of gifts from the park. I am always included in them. Yet, they are Danny’s.
I didn’t have anything to open last year.
My Christmas gift last year was my trip home in November for Mom’s Memorial Service. That was an awesome gift since we certainly didn’t have the money for me to go home.
I did get money from Dad. It will be used to pay a few bills or to buy groceries. I am thankful for that.

I know it is not about the gifts but I hate it when the last few years, I get asked what Danny got me and I have to say I got a card. Don’t get me wrong, that Christmas Card is Precious to me. The I love You, Sarah….Love Danny is about the only time I get to see those words any more.
Danny doesn’t get into the religious part of Christmas like I do either. He believes but doesn’t go to church.
I come through the holidays feeling LOST and LONELY. Wondering where they went.
This year has been easier because of the Advents Series I have done. I am filled with the SPIRIT. Easier because of YOU ALL.
The Little Girl inside me still wants the magic. The JOY. I am missing HOPE as well this year.
Love Sarah

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