Sunday, October 4th / Emptiness
Sunday, I hit rock bottom and Danny didn’t even notice.
I knew that leaving the cottage and going home was going to be hard. I knew I would feel the pain of not wanting to live there anymore. I just didn’t know that it would hit as hard as it did. I was fine until I walked in the door and Baby Girl greeted me. That should have made me happy.
I did okay most of the day before we got home.
I was on the porch waiting for the sun to rise. It never did. I was thankful for that. The foggy morning was perfect for my mood.
I enjoyed just sitting there.
Listening to the birds.
Wishing Danny hadn’t stayed up all night again. Wishing he was sitting with me, just enjoying the morning.
Everything was fine until people started coming in. All of a sudden, we had to get out of there.
I have never been like this before.
Flu season never kept me at home. We never wore masks before.
We both have seen too many people get really sick and die from Covid 19.
I am almost 62. I have lupus and a number of other health issues.
I am also overweight.
We had planned on exploring the Hotel Jacaranda. It had CLOSED SUDDENLY.
We were told a few of the staff had Covid.
Our last place we filmed. Outside of Avon Park. It was a perfect location.
After the last train came, we headed home. Only a short drive. I was still doing well. We had good conversations.
Then we pulled into the entrance.
I felt the pain come.
I wanted to turn around.
I did everything I had to do. We quickly unloaded the car. Danny immediately went to his computer room. Yeah, Home Sweet Home. !!!!!!!!!
Danny left me to put all the food up and to take the suitcases etc to the bedroom.
I was used to that.
He also left me to deal with Baby Girl. Who needed ATTENTION.
A LOT OF ATTENTION.
I had to force myself to give it to her. I didn’t want anything to do with her.
Sad, Because, I am the one who wanted her when Danny found her in the campground.
I love cats.
I just can’t handle her now.
Two hours after we got home, I headed to the couch and barricaded myself under the covers. I needed sleep. It NEVER came.
I needed Love.
I spent the evening and the night under the covers. Silently crying. Danny never said a word.
All it would have taken was a comment of understanding. A hug. ANYTHING.