Making My Home A Haven is important to me. Sharing homemaking skills. Recipes and food. Bible Studies. This is a treasure chest of goodies. So take a seat. Have a glass of tea and enjoy. You will learn all about who I am.
I am doing this challenge for a couple of reasons that have nothing to do with the #Love Me itself. I mentioned in the previous post that I was needy to be challenged for long period. I need to be motivated, not just to post what I want to post daily but to have a schedule of things I post at certain times. 28 Day /Monthly type challenges are daily post with different subject matter. I don’t choose what the subject is.
This challenge will force to to think a little more. I am taking it seriously. Many of the daily challenges normally would be easy for me. As I was reading them the first time ( a few months ago) I saw different ways of looking at them.
I will have to to write everyday about a variety of events/tasks that I didn’t choose.
This particular one is already causing me trouble because the words aren’t wanting to come.
I am writing this Wednesday night. (11:34 right now). It is not what I want to do now. I would have liked to have held off with it.
I am motivated to get it done because I said I would. I always TRY and keep my promises.
As to why I am doing #Love Me”, I haven’t really been taking care of “Me’ the last few years.
Years ago, If you would have asked me to take a challenge like this I would have said, “No , because “I loved myself.” I really enjoyed the person I was. I was confident. I knew who I was and what I was.
A Mom. A Teacher. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. And so on…..I was comfortable. I knew exactly WHO I WAS. I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to anyone.
I still love who I am. I still enjoy my own company.
I am still Bobby’s mom even though he isn’t here. I deal with that.
My dad is still alive so I am still a daughter. I am still all of those things.
I am still a daughter, sister, aunt and friend.
I will always be a teacher even if I don’t get paid for it.
I am a wife but the ground rules changed. I let them change. I lost my identity.
Danny didn’t do it to me. I did.
I stopped putting my needs and wants in the equation whether it was at work (Meaning At the park) or at home. Whatever everyone else wanted , I said ok.
This is really hard for me because I can’t find the words I want to say.
I am 56 years old and instead of feeling Strong and Confident, I feel Week and Wimpy. ”
I am not a WIMP. I am not WEAK. I am certainly not a CHILD.
Certain things that I can’t discuss (part stuff) have happened and somehow I got caught in the middle of. (Danny to.)
I never fought back. We are all to worry about losing jobs and not talking bad about anyone. Not causing trouble.
Don’t do this and don’t say that….
Danny has a little more leeway because he is A PAID employee. He can stand up a little more.
I am a volunteer.
You know what? That shouldn’t make a difference.
I live here. Danny and I have lived on state property for almost 9 years.
I have volunteered as much as they work. Which means I WORKED AS HARD AS THEY HAVE.
Yet, I have always had to bite my tongue and say nothing way too many times.
I have let them run over me.
Or I was.
Then I just slowed way down on the volunteering. If they couldn’t treat me with the respect I deserved then I shouldn’t be helping them as much as I was.
(This of course was before I got really sick this last year.)
I blamed Danny for a lot of it. Yet, when it really got bad, I kept quiet but he didn’t. He let them know that it wasn’t right treating me like I was being treated.
So he told them I wasn’t volunteering at all any more. That’s where part of our problem started. My volunteering WAS NOT HIS DECISION TO MAKE. It was a decision that should have been made together. I should have had a say in it.
He “Took away” the only thing HERE that made me feel like I was contributing .
I get very little disability. I get very little income at all.
All of what I do get a month goes into my retirement.
Most of it anyway)
I never totally STOPPED VOLUNTEERING . I just worked here at Rolling Meadows Ranch All the time except for emergencies and rescues (or the few times I went to the Park because I had to get away).
Hiding got to be a habit.
I became a hermit.
A shell of who I was.
Add to that the overly hot winter, spring and summer we just had.
The almost daily rain all spring. The daily thunderstorms /rain /lightening all summer…the flooding..not being able to work because the heat was making me sick.
The weight gain. Menopause symptoms long after menopause.
I became a bitch at home.
Then the lupus flare. Fibro. Add in my ankle/foot and chemo.
I wasn’t happy. I was seriously depressed. Worried about Danny overworking. Stressing out.
Our Problems grew almost out of control.
I was fighting the health WAR. I wasn’t fighting For ME.
There is a difference.
I had always fought back when I got sick. That part is EASY. I JUST DO IT.
SO WHY DID I STOP FIGHTING FOR ME?
When did I stop believing I WAS WORTH FIGHTING FOR?
My happiness should be just AS IMPORTANT AS DANNY’S
AND EVERYONE ELSE’S. WOW, When I decide to let it out, I let it out. WHEW! I am not as angry at Danny as I am at ME.
I am still angry at other people.
Today, At our Roundup, I also realized I AM Dealing with that as well. I let me anger go today and let myself enjoy the day.
I was “Me” Again and I am starting to Love “Me” as well.
This BLOG and my sharing the things that I have….The personal things I never thought I would ever share have helped me face what was happening.
You my friends here have helped me to see thing a bit more clearly.
None of this happened overnight. It won’t change over night.
BUT IT WILL CHANGE.
I wrote down a set of GOALS yesterday as my first assignment. I also was told to write about WHY I BLOG.
I have been busy here. Working on my goals.
Today we were asked to AUDIT our Blog and fix it up. Tweak it as needed.
I haven’t done much there. I had just changed the site a couple of weeks ago and really like it. I did ask a few questions and have gotten a few answers.
I will be tweaking the tags and category sections. I have duplicates and (Surprise! Surprise! ) misspellings. Not even sure if misspelling is spelled right. Yet, spell check didn’t pop up.
I also need to somehow DARKEN the Tagline so you can read it better.
Haven’t been able to do that yet.
I am sure it is an easy fix but them this is me we are talking about.
I am also working on a FAKE blog to use as a tutorial. Fake isn’t the word I want but I can’t think of it.
So If you happen to see a blog pop up with :
Debbie Sue’s Attic Of Treasures then you will know somehow I messed up. It is suppose to STAY PRIVATE so I can change things around a bit.
I was just going to copy and paste some of Debbie Sue’s Attic Of Treasures
Blog but now I don’t even see it.
I told you I can certainly mess things up.
It was there until I put private on it. Now I can’t even find it.
Yes, my mind is not as clear today as it was yesterday.
Includes photos Of Our Neck Of The Woods, Colorado, Illinois, Bobby and Danny and I.
Still tweaking that WHOLE site.
Next up will be Our Neck Of The Woods.
I can’t keep up with this blog and I am trying to work on more.
It’s just that Sarah’s Attic Of Treasures is a different kind of blog.
I need to work on it’s Brand again.
So it will look more like Sarah’s Attic Of Treasures and not just my Ramblings About Life.
I need to get off so I can work on the evening paper.
Until later, Sarah